[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
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I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.