Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
You Might Also Like
Kids, do not try this at home!
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Breaking news:
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this