[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
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I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Realize this:
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.