[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
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People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Another interesting #factupdates post!