@omgthatspunny: Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy.
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@netflix: DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie THEM: ok DA: Will Smith is one of the cops THEM: k DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc THEM: no that's crazy EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini #BRIGHTMovie
@lazerdoov: *in a job interview* No no it's not a teardrop tattoo it's supposed to be sweat. It shows I'm a hard worker
@thatUPSdude: Devil: I want your soul! Me: Not for sale! Devil: Name your price. Me: Fix all my typos. Devil: Too much work, keep your soul.