@omgthatspunny: Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy.
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@WheelTod: Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said "Care to make this interesting?" And I said "Sure. For years I've been secretly in love with you"
@owlcity: If someone calls me a sir one more time I will literally wear a top hat and a monocle and roll my eyes so hard you will not survive.
@nbadag: [movie theater] TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go.....to protect what he loves ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
@FuckabillyRex: I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that's not a professional wrestler.