My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
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Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.