[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
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Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.