I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
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her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad