CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
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I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook