Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
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My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
My favorite type of men is ramen.