—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
You Might Also Like
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.