Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
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Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Check your privilege
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?