Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
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You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Anyone want a chair?
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Siri: Retweet me.
Attacked by a mop.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.