CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
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[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now