Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
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St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.