[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
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HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Put a ring on it
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.