CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
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Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean