Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
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This came to me in a dream.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Is fructose made with real fruct?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.