Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
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I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.