*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
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My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Pretty much. 🤣
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain