Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
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A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi