cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
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*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
wtf is an acronym
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I came this close!!!!
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
This pepper has seen some shit
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.