Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
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Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Finally
the simulation is moving too fast