CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
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the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
me as a parent
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce