@BoscoPorter: Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of shit?"
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@WineMummy: Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom* Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on? M:I found a gray hair! H:So? M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
@RobElliottComic: When I order delivery online and there's a "Notes" box I put "Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON" *Puts on dragon costume *Waits in bushes
@cepheusjackson: WIFE: Shouldn't you be at work? ME: I took care of it. BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it] Nice work today.