There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
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Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
philosophical skeletons be like
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…