RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
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Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.