cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
You Might Also Like
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I’m giving up for Lent.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
And then there were 4
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.