It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
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Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.