Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
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It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I never know how much to tip a cow.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.