#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
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Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
He took my last fry, your honor
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.