A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
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In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
listen closely
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.