Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
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Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince