Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
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Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?