casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
You Might Also Like
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
You sure about that?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
yall want some gasoline milk