[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Don’t make me out nice you.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
won’t smith
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
eggs benadryl
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S