wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
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starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth