Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
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Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
She was rare, like a goth jogging
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.