[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
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Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.