I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
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Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
What’s a Messi?
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*