I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
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Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.