CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
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Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
finally found a reasonable question
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
God, I love Scotland
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no