[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
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[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Spell check is for lasers.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.