Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
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the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
mumsnet is amazing
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
nobody’s gonna understand
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.