*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
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I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
🤣🤣🤣
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out