Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
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I got soap in my shower beer again.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Not all heroes wear capes.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…