Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
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I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Venn
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.