Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
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I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney