[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
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Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
LA today:
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.