One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
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[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
(Gaming support cat.)
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.