Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
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I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what